I'm a bit embarrassed

So, I'm a bit embarrassed. I remember reading a blog of a published comic artist recently who stated that many, many aspiring comic book creators tend to think of themselves as destined to become a creator and become successful because it is ordained in the stars. I was thinking that, "Holy crap, that's me".

I try very hard to be down-to-earth and realistic in my overall life expectations. Comic books and I have had an odd relationship over thirty years, and there was a time where that relationship was damaging my prospects and ability to get a good paying job. For years, I thought that's what I wanted: draw comics and become successful. Honestly, it's a very childish, immature outlook, at best, and the chances of it happening to my expectations are little to nil. Brutally honest.

That said, this recent episode of depression that resulted from just ONE person not acknowledging my creative pursuit has sent me to a literal artistic mental roadblock. I haven't drawn very much, at all, since that all went down. I've been stuck on the same page of art since then.

I think I have to accept the fact that this whole comic book endeavor will always be a hobby for me. From what I have read, being an artist of any kind is a real grind and can be long hours, and if you are not in love with the concept of drawing A LOT and the more than likely possibility of making very little to no money doing it is not for me. I've always been fantastic about keeping my personal and work lives separate. When I clock out, work for the day is done. I get my salary, pay my bills and move on to the next month. And the next. And the next. That simplicity and repetition is important to me and gives me peace.

I think I will always have the tendency to believe that to be happy is to be a comic book creator. I've thought that way for so long, that to not think that way disrupts my rhythm. Maybe I'm always meant to kind of feel unfulfilled in this regard, if it means that I will always have a roof over my head and a steady salary. Maybe it's my own personal tragedy that has become so much a part of my life, that letting it go just leaves me feeling emptier than I should feel. Like, the thought itself is enough. Otherwise, it just consumes my whole being and I feel stressed and anxious and short of time.

One day, I'll be an empty nester, retired, with looking for something to do to occupy my time in-between all the cruises, television show binging, and babysitting that I'll likely be living at that moment in my life. Maybe that is ultimately where my comic creator-ness will live. Or not.

And I think I just have to be okay with that, either way, otherwise that daily stress of doing it nowadays, with my "plate" so full as it is, that it is ruining my present through either anticipating a possible future, or regretting days past. There are only so many hours in a day; and I don't know if I am being fair to myself forcing something like creating a comic book, opposed to watching television with my family, or enjoying my comic book collection, or raising my children (not necessarily in that order haha).

Well, that's how I feel today; and I think that is okay. Organically, we'll see if I get back into it, but I just can't stress about it anymore. It's not fair to me.

That all said...

Another thought:

If you haven't read my last post from Nov 3, might I recommend that you read that over, as this post will make more sense if you do.

Even if this "love of comics" is nothing more than a grab at reliving my younger days, which, as a result, releases that much needed dopamine jolt I crave at times; even if I create comics for no one other than myself, in an effort to prove to myself that perhaps I just want to do it for me; even if I tell myself to just get over it and live my life, do it for fun, or don't.... no one cares. THAT SAID, why SHOULDN'T I publish it and just see what happens? Can't I do both? Can't I just override that sense of approval of others, and push this artwork out to the world and just let it be what it is?

When it's out in the world, it's out of my hands; but, I can say I did that. As a father, I can show my two boys that I did that. Even if the world, being full of naysayers and people trying to force you into a role, is telling you to just let "it" be and accept what "it" is, isn't it worth just publishing my comic book and giving it a shot?

This is the crossroad that baffles me: one road is full of "why bothers", "do your job as a provider so you can feed your family and keep a roof over their heads", do the husband and father thing, and a crowd of people too concerned about their own lives to really care or acknowledge what you're doing with yourself. The other road is the one leading to a better version of myself, fulfilling goals, taking care of my well-being, embracing my roll as a father and husband, but also remembering that I am an individual with his own wants and needs. That intersection is a jumble of excuses, dreams, demands, time, talent, and confusion; and my kids asking for more Robux haha.

Perhaps I am experiencing a fight or flight response and just doing the easy thing; keep on my path and don't rock the boat, so I can survive. Just give up, enjoy my hobby for what it is, and continue on my path for another 15ish years until I can finally retire from full-time employment. My wife would tell me it'll more likely be 20 years. I've always been overly optimistic.

Am I trying to force happiness? I am content (for the most part; being a middle-aged, Generation X man in American is great, but our economy, with AI taking over white-collar jobs, income inequality, and goods and services generally being too expensive, is a bit stressful), but is that all there is? Sit down, shut up, and do what you're supposed to do. Is that the most I can hope for? Isn't there something more that I can strive for? I am not delusional, even though my mind plays and thinks of the most best case thing in the world as it relates to being a comic book creator; more than likely, this will garner me no money, will not be a huge success, and, if I'm lucky, a few people will notice me.

... but, isn't it worth a shot? The process of making the comic book would be fun for me; and doesn't that, in and of itself, mean that it's a hobby that brings me joy? I think I just came around full circle haha

See you....

Something on my mind...

I've something on my mind, and thought maybe writing it out will help me sort it out.

One of the obstacles I've always had difficultly overcoming is the need of feeling wanted and of approval, often at the whims of someone else. I am aware of it, but it always seems to crawl back into my life somehow. Recently, I messaged someone important to me that I am working on a comic book and might publish it; the lack of acknowledgement and response in general threw me for a loop and drove me into a depressive state. It was an eye-opening experience and made me question why I'm even looking to self-publish in the first place.

There are really two parts of the equation here, the first being why I enjoy comics and art so much, and why they are so intertwined to me. It's interesting to examine, as I know how to "art" but I've little interest in any of it unless it's comic book character related; especially, if it is related to finishing a comic book project. When I took time away from comic books, I effectively walked away from all art, in general. I stopped drawing, stopped referring to myself as an artist (I would often go out of my way to tell myself and others that "I am not an artist, anymore"). When I let myself get back into it, very slowly, it started with a couple Batman graphic novels I bought used, then, after about a year, I got myself a nice drafting table (free off FB Marketplace, thank you very much), bought the proper bristol board paper, dug out all of my (really old) art supplies, started buying Microns again, and off I went. Gosh, the first few comic sequential pages I did were not great, but I told myself to trust the process and just keep going. Which worked. But it begs the question of 'why' I enjoy it so much, and feel the need to turn it into something. Which leads me to the second part of the equation...

... other people's approval. Picture this: my book hits the comic book landscape slowly, but word gets out; eventually, I'm contacted by a larger publisher asking if I'm interested in any paying work from them. I do that, gain more fanbase, and on the sidelines continue my self-published book, when I can. Eventually, the book begins to sell well enough to support my family, and people know my name. I shake hands with all of my favorite artists and they all know my name. I am at a table at a large comic convention and the line to meet me is fifty or sixty people deep. In twenty years I'm considered a force in the comic industry and people want to still know me.

No wonder I gave up on comics and art; seriously. Why do I even do this, anyway?

What is really telling is that I imagine all of my old friends from school cheer for me, and want to join me in my comic adventures and its amazing. We start our own comic book business, and we're like Image 2.0. This is my mind. It wonders to the fantastical and, while I tell myself, it could happen, and I guess, yeah, it could, but I am not a young buck anymore. I am on the highway to fifty years old here, and perhaps I need to re-examine why I enjoy doing this at the core, opposed to trying to make a buck or two. I've already a good job, have a house, two kids, pets, two paid-off cars, married, I'm investing my money. Why the need to go into comics to become something when I'm already doing "something"?

If I'm lucky, I've got at least 30 years left on this Earth; I've dreamed of being a comic book artist since I was 13. I like myself better as an active artist, drawing my comic, rather than not. Do I really need to do something with it? Do I need to be a "pro"? Does it need to be commercialized? Can't I just do this for me, exclusively? Do I really have to show other people in order to validate myself?

When I quit drawing and gave up on comics, it was after a brief critique that I got from an independent comic book creator, that who honestly I don't even remember too much about. I just remember his critique was brutal, like work at it eight hours a day, re-learn everything, and this was like after five years of art school. I've since learned that not everyone is going to like your work, which is part of the "game"; but if one critique just "killed" me, doing this comic book now, as a much older man, will it just "kill" me again if certain people tell me what I don't want to hear?

I guess I'm afraid; I don't WANT to stop reading or drawing comics, but I can't seem to get over the need to SHOW some kind of finished product for other people's approval and the potential of making money doing it.

I also wonder if this is all just another dopamine grab or escapism to nourish years gone by, and relive my pre-responsibility younger days and just bask in the warmness of my childhood hobbies. Because THAT is a thing. If that's all this is, then perhaps I am just overthinking everything and I need to just enjoy the experience for myself and live in the moment. And don't confuse it as a means for a professional, money-making opportunity.

It's something to think about. More to come...