That all said...

Another thought:

If you haven't read my last post from Nov 3, might I recommend that you read that over, as this post will make more sense if you do.

Even if this "love of comics" is nothing more than a grab at reliving my younger days, which, as a result, releases that much needed dopamine jolt I crave at times; even if I create comics for no one other than myself, in an effort to prove to myself that perhaps I just want to do it for me; even if I tell myself to just get over it and live my life, do it for fun, or don't.... no one cares. THAT SAID, why SHOULDN'T I publish it and just see what happens? Can't I do both? Can't I just override that sense of approval of others, and push this artwork out to the world and just let it be what it is?

When it's out in the world, it's out of my hands; but, I can say I did that. As a father, I can show my two boys that I did that. Even if the world, being full of naysayers and people trying to force you into a role, is telling you to just let "it" be and accept what "it" is, isn't it worth just publishing my comic book and giving it a shot?

This is the crossroad that baffles me: one road is full of "why bothers", "do your job as a provider so you can feed your family and keep a roof over their heads", do the husband and father thing, and a crowd of people too concerned about their own lives to really care or acknowledge what you're doing with yourself. The other road is the one leading to a better version of myself, fulfilling goals, taking care of my well-being, embracing my roll as a father and husband, but also remembering that I am an individual with his own wants and needs. That intersection is a jumble of excuses, dreams, demands, time, talent, and confusion; and my kids asking for more Robux haha.

Perhaps I am experiencing a fight or flight response and just doing the easy thing; keep on my path and don't rock the boat, so I can survive. Just give up, enjoy my hobby for what it is, and continue on my path for another 15ish years until I can finally retire from full-time employment. My wife would tell me it'll more likely be 20 years. I've always been overly optimistic.

Am I trying to force happiness? I am content (for the most part; being a middle-aged, Generation X man in American is great, but our economy, with AI taking over white-collar jobs, income inequality, and goods and services generally being too expensive, is a bit stressful), but is that all there is? Sit down, shut up, and do what you're supposed to do. Is that the most I can hope for? Isn't there something more that I can strive for? I am not delusional, even though my mind plays and thinks of the most best case thing in the world as it relates to being a comic book creator; more than likely, this will garner me no money, will not be a huge success, and, if I'm lucky, a few people will notice me.

... but, isn't it worth a shot? The process of making the comic book would be fun for me; and doesn't that, in and of itself, mean that it's a hobby that brings me joy? I think I just came around full circle haha

See you....

Something on my mind...

I've something on my mind, and thought maybe writing it out will help me sort it out.

One of the obstacles I've always had difficultly overcoming is the need of feeling wanted and of approval, often at the whims of someone else. I am aware of it, but it always seems to crawl back into my life somehow. Recently, I messaged someone important to me that I am working on a comic book and might publish it; the lack of acknowledgement and response in general threw me for a loop and drove me into a depressive state. It was an eye-opening experience and made me question why I'm even looking to self-publish in the first place.

There are really two parts of the equation here, the first being why I enjoy comics and art so much, and why they are so intertwined to me. It's interesting to examine, as I know how to "art" but I've little interest in any of it unless it's comic book character related; especially, if it is related to finishing a comic book project. When I took time away from comic books, I effectively walked away from all art, in general. I stopped drawing, stopped referring to myself as an artist (I would often go out of my way to tell myself and others that "I am not an artist, anymore"). When I let myself get back into it, very slowly, it started with a couple Batman graphic novels I bought used, then, after about a year, I got myself a nice drafting table (free off FB Marketplace, thank you very much), bought the proper bristol board paper, dug out all of my (really old) art supplies, started buying Microns again, and off I went. Gosh, the first few comic sequential pages I did were not great, but I told myself to trust the process and just keep going. Which worked. But it begs the question of 'why' I enjoy it so much, and feel the need to turn it into something. Which leads me to the second part of the equation...

... other people's approval. Picture this: my book hits the comic book landscape slowly, but word gets out; eventually, I'm contacted by a larger publisher asking if I'm interested in any paying work from them. I do that, gain more fanbase, and on the sidelines continue my self-published book, when I can. Eventually, the book begins to sell well enough to support my family, and people know my name. I shake hands with all of my favorite artists and they all know my name. I am at a table at a large comic convention and the line to meet me is fifty or sixty people deep. In twenty years I'm considered a force in the comic industry and people want to still know me.

No wonder I gave up on comics and art; seriously. Why do I even do this, anyway?

What is really telling is that I imagine all of my old friends from school cheer for me, and want to join me in my comic adventures and its amazing. We start our own comic book business, and we're like Image 2.0. This is my mind. It wonders to the fantastical and, while I tell myself, it could happen, and I guess, yeah, it could, but I am not a young buck anymore. I am on the highway to fifty years old here, and perhaps I need to re-examine why I enjoy doing this at the core, opposed to trying to make a buck or two. I've already a good job, have a house, two kids, pets, two paid-off cars, married, I'm investing my money. Why the need to go into comics to become something when I'm already doing "something"?

If I'm lucky, I've got at least 30 years left on this Earth; I've dreamed of being a comic book artist since I was 13. I like myself better as an active artist, drawing my comic, rather than not. Do I really need to do something with it? Do I need to be a "pro"? Does it need to be commercialized? Can't I just do this for me, exclusively? Do I really have to show other people in order to validate myself?

When I quit drawing and gave up on comics, it was after a brief critique that I got from an independent comic book creator, that who honestly I don't even remember too much about. I just remember his critique was brutal, like work at it eight hours a day, re-learn everything, and this was like after five years of art school. I've since learned that not everyone is going to like your work, which is part of the "game"; but if one critique just "killed" me, doing this comic book now, as a much older man, will it just "kill" me again if certain people tell me what I don't want to hear?

I guess I'm afraid; I don't WANT to stop reading or drawing comics, but I can't seem to get over the need to SHOW some kind of finished product for other people's approval and the potential of making money doing it.

I also wonder if this is all just another dopamine grab or escapism to nourish years gone by, and relive my pre-responsibility younger days and just bask in the warmness of my childhood hobbies. Because THAT is a thing. If that's all this is, then perhaps I am just overthinking everything and I need to just enjoy the experience for myself and live in the moment. And don't confuse it as a means for a professional, money-making opportunity.

It's something to think about. More to come...

Getting closer....

Time flies. It's hard to believe it has been nine months since I last updated this blog. A couple things:

I've just ten more pages of art to go before my comic book is done; well, the drawing part anyway. I decided I'll likely color it, and I have to prep the book itself for layout, but, for me, it's quite an achievement. I do my own hand lettering, too, so that's also completed as I go. I'm thinking it's going to go onto Kickstarter, and we'll see what happens. I guess some people actually do read this blog, which is crazy because I don't publicize it, at all. It's more for me, than anything. But when I get around to a Kickstarter campaign, I'll post about it here. It looks like it'll come in at 43 pages.

The other big thing in my life that has changed is that I lost a good friend I've known for upwards of twenty-five years this past June. He was 48 years old. Another reminder that our time on this Earth is not only limited, but, in part, very much out of our control. I wish I tried harder to talk to him over the phone more often than I did.

The funny thing about this comic book I'm doing, honestly, to me, is the artistic evolution from page one to the latest page. I could be 100% wrong, but I think it will be part of the charm of it. Like, even if your work is sub-par (to you), there is no time like the present to just start and keep going and push forward through the doubt and struggles. Re-doing any of the work, at this point, seems wrong, because that's just where I was in the journey.

Anyway, I'll see you again soon; hopefully with an update that the art is done and onward to the colors. I decided to color it based on the era of the story, which will be an interesting experiment.

Back to working on my art

Hello, world. Jason here. If, somehow, you made your way here randomly, welcome. I last posted two years ago about "doing a thing" and to stay tuned. Well, I am in the process of doing said thing, as over the last year and a half or so, I've taken up drawing again; through working on my comic book/web comic (both?) called The Purple Pioneer.

I've managed to pencil twenty-one pages, and inked about sixteen of those, so far. Back in 2011, I seemed to be complaining a bit about being a bad inker. I love how, as you get older, you get wiser and more patient with yourself. Initially, when I first started this new journey into "comic-ing" (as my oldest son once called it), my pencils and inks were pretty rough. See, after around 2013 or so, I pretty much gave up on comics. Sold mostly everything comic-related that I owned. I kept some Spider-Man comics from when I was a kid, mostly for keepsake purposes. But I was out. This comic that I was "hired" to work on never panned out.... I remember I wrote a full script for the gentleman I was hired by, and drew at least two pages of art, with (to my younger self, crappy inks). The whole project got scrapped and I never got paid for any work. At the time, it was fun. I remember a couple times in there, while talking to people and asked what I do for a living, I told them my day job is a District Manager for printing services, and my night job was a comic book artist. Like I said, it was fun :) But that didn't last long.

Shortly thereafter, my son, Hayden Lawrence, was born December 1, 2011. As I write this, he is thirteen years old now. Wow. Between there and now, we moved to a new state (Wisconsin) in early 2013, and in late 2015, I welcomed my second son, Landen Matthew. Landen, as of January 2025, is nine. I'm still married, thankfully, to my wonderful partner, lover, and companion, Clarissa. This year we celebrate our eighteenth anniversary.

Between 2007 and 2013, I worked in the printing industry. When I first started, I convinced myself that getting into printing would help my art career. Over the course of six years, financially, it was a disaster, which led me to leave and move to Wisconsin. Far less expensive than San Francisco, and a slower pace of life. I got a job in sales as a Printer and Copier salesman. During that time, I finally realized that wanting to "draw comics" and art, in general, as a job was holding me back far too much, and, in its way, sabotaging my life. I gave it all up, out of necessity. It was driving me nuts. How could I want something so badly, but not work hard at it to achieve it? As of that time, I literally no longer considered myself an artist. Sad. But had to be done for me to grow, I think.

Financially, while my job and income were better than years prior, it still was not good enough. We had to live with my mother-in-law because we didn't make enough money to get our own apartment. There is nothing wrong with that, but at the time, it was a decent situation and thankful that she let me live with her for those early years in Wisconsin. Ultimately, in 2016 I realized that I'm approaching my forties and I make less than $40,000 per year. My wife, who did the stay-at-home-wife thing for a good three or four years, started to pick up odd jobs here and there, ultimately, at one point, she had at least four different gigs going on... which pretty much accounted for full-time work, overall. It helped, and I guess if we stayed in our situation, at the time, and continued to live with my mother-in-law, paying pretty inexpensive rent, it would have been fine. More than fine, if anything. I realized though, that if I want to better myself, get out of this job rut I was in (I was not a great sales person), I need to do something to shake things up. So I went back to school in the Fall of 2016 to pursue an Associated Degree in Software Development. Ironically, I did that part time until Fall 2018 when I realized my time as a sales person was probably coming to an end (writing was on the wall--I was not very good at Sales, like I said). I kicked up my studies to full time, and still somehow managed to work, too. Nonetheless, in March 2019, I finally got fired from sales due to low sales performance, and in May I graduated from school with an AA degree in Software Dev. That July, I transitioned into my new career as a Software Engineer.

Then 2020 happened. That March, my work made us all do the remote work thing, which I pretty much did for over three years there. Around this time, well, my wife and I thought about, and succeeded in buying our first home, where we live to this day. I've also since moved up in my career, and make pretty good money now. On paper, life is good. No reason to not be happy.

But I started to miss drawing.

So that is where I'm at now. Originally, I wrote a first issue script of twenty pages, but later decided to make it forty. I am doing it for me, for my soul. It makes me happy, even if I just draw and work on the book twenty minutes in a day; because I get busy. After all, I'm a man maintaining my marriage, raising two young boys, working a full time job.... not a whole lot of time for "me". But, I've been making time.... and I love that I figured it out.

I can't help but have an end goal in mind for this whole thing. I think I'll put it on Kickstarter. For a $1 pledge, you get a digital copy of the book. Who knows if it will sell, or make my any side-income. As the saying goes, if you don't try, it will definitely never happen. There is literally no downside to any of this. Love it.

What has also helped me, is realizing and accepting that all my art is perfect for me. Anything anyone ever creates, whether its a drawing, sculpture, painting, digital art, whatever... its all perfect. The only time it wouldn't be is if you are creating for someone else. But if you do it for you, nothing you create is wrong. That attitude has helped me get over these humps of self-doubt, especially early on when I first got back into it. For what it is worth, comparing those early pages, to stuff I've done recently... well, there is a very obvious improvement. Funny how consistency in taking time to actually draw can do that. I'm not a bad inker, anymore, in my humble opinion.

It's early in 2025 yet; we'll see how long it takes me to get this 40 page comic created; but then I have to digitize it, format the book, and figure out if it's going to be B&W or color. If I get to that point, I look forward to whatever I decide.

Life is too short. We only have right now. If you have a passion/goal/dream, whatever you want to call it, start pursuing it today. Start right now. Take the time and make it part of your life. And do it until it feels wrong if you don't..... just make sure you still pay your bills on time. :P

Take care,

JT