If you haven't read my last post from Nov 3, might I recommend that you read that over, as this post will make more sense if you do.
Even if this "love of comics" is nothing more than a grab at reliving my younger days, which, as a result, releases that much needed dopamine jolt I crave at times; even if I create comics for no one other than myself, in an effort to prove to myself that perhaps I just want to do it for me; even if I tell myself to just get over it and live my life, do it for fun, or don't.... no one cares. THAT SAID, why SHOULDN'T I publish it and just see what happens? Can't I do both? Can't I just override that sense of approval of others, and push this artwork out to the world and just let it be what it is?
When it's out in the world, it's out of my hands; but, I can say I did that. As a father, I can show my two boys that I did that. Even if the world, being full of naysayers and people trying to force you into a role, is telling you to just let "it" be and accept what "it" is, isn't it worth just publishing my comic book and giving it a shot?
This is the crossroad that baffles me: one road is full of "why bothers", "do your job as a provider so you can feed your family and keep a roof over their heads", do the husband and father thing, and a crowd of people too concerned about their own lives to really care or acknowledge what you're doing with yourself. The other road is the one leading to a better version of myself, fulfilling goals, taking care of my well-being, embracing my roll as a father and husband, but also remembering that I am an individual with his own wants and needs. That intersection is a jumble of excuses, dreams, demands, time, talent, and confusion; and my kids asking for more Robux haha.
Perhaps I am experiencing a fight or flight response and just doing the easy thing; keep on my path and don't rock the boat, so I can survive. Just give up, enjoy my hobby for what it is, and continue on my path for another 15ish years until I can finally retire from full-time employment. My wife would tell me it'll more likely be 20 years. I've always been overly optimistic.
Am I trying to force happiness? I am content (for the most part; being a middle-aged, Generation X man in American is great, but our economy, with AI taking over white-collar jobs, income inequality, and goods and services generally being too expensive, is a bit stressful), but is that all there is? Sit down, shut up, and do what you're supposed to do. Is that the most I can hope for? Isn't there something more that I can strive for? I am not delusional, even though my mind plays and thinks of the most best case thing in the world as it relates to being a comic book creator; more than likely, this will garner me no money, will not be a huge success, and, if I'm lucky, a few people will notice me.
... but, isn't it worth a shot? The process of making the comic book would be fun for me; and doesn't that, in and of itself, mean that it's a hobby that brings me joy? I think I just came around full circle haha
See you....
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